Free Revision Assignment Essay Example
The thesis of this paper is that modern animal agriculture has led to the abuse of animals such as cows, pigs and chickens that could result vegetarianism if people know what these creatures go through before they consume their meat for dinner.
The writer can add in the following areas;
- More details can be provided on how meat consumption affects human health as noted in the last paragraph.
- There are other farm animals such as sheep, goats, ducks that are worth discussing.
- There is a need to provide a conclusion that summarizes the paper.
b. The paper is well organized given that the writer starts with thesis introduction and then go ahead to give facts to support.
c. Paragraph nine starts with a topic sentence, and clearly provides facts to show the sufferings that pigs undergo in their confinement. On the other hand, paragraph eleven does not begin with the topic sentence though it provides very relevant details in support the inhuman treatment of chickens.
d. The introduction is very clear but conclusion is not well stated. In the last paragraph, the writer addresses the misleading posts we see around advertising animal products instead of summarizing the main points of the essay.
The first paragraph may require more sentence variety in order to improve its understanding by the readers. For example, the writer says that, “with animal cruelty it has turned into a don’t ask, don’t tell, situation. This sentence may require additional information in order to make it more understandable or it may be changed for the sake of readers. Therefore, it can be changed to read like this, “with increased animal cruelty, people are discouraged to ask questions or share information in regards to the source of animal meat that consumers take in their meals.
In the first paragraph, the writer uses the word, “hit the plate”, which may not grammatically correct. The word hit can be enclosed with double quotation marks or replaced with a better word. In addition, many statements in the first paragraph may need to be written in order to make them clear to the reader. For example, the writer says that “the less the consumer knows about what is happening before the meat hit the plate the better”. This statement can be amended to read that, “the consumers ought not to know what happens to the meat before it reaches them since they may never eat it the rest of their life.
The essay can be rated 7 out of ten. It is well organized and provides detailed analysis to the selected topic. The essay begins with a good introduction of the modern animal agriculture, its history, and how it has affected the life of those animals. The thesis of the paper is also clear to reader right from the beginning that that modern animal agriculture has led to the abuse of animals. However, there are areas for improvement such as adding conclusion among others.
The essay can be improved by providing a conclusion, providing more supporting details and correcting the mentioned grammatical errors. For example, a conclusion can be added that will highlight the main points of the essay and restate the thesis statement at the end.
Please remember that this paper is open-access and other students can use it too.
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